Clerks Animated Series: Episode 7: The New Network
by Dave Corsair
Summary: A new Begining for the failed cartoon... FINALLY FINSHED
1. Opening

The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to the   
history of any person, living or dead, or to any actual events, is entirely   
coincidental and unintentional.  
  
Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all   
celebrity voices are impersonated, and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect   
of this show...  
  
...But, we are in negotiations with Tony Danza, so keep your fingers crossed...  
  
(Open to exterior shot of Quick Stop. Cut to inside: two director chairs   
are in front of the counter. Enter Dante and Randal. They sit.)  
  
Dante: Hi, we're Dante and Randal: stars of the newest UPN animated   
franchise Clerks.  
  
Randal: Yeah like they care.   
  
Dante: Quiet, Randal. You'll upset the audience.  
  
Randal: (Standing up shaking his hand) None of you watched us last summer on   
ABC!!!  
  
Dante: Well we were kinda just stuck in the middle of the line-up with no   
advertising. It's not the audience's fault the show failed.  
  
Randal: But we're on UPN, Dante! UPN!  
  
Dante: There is nothing wrong with UPN. I like it here.  
  
Randal: But we were offered the UPN job last year. Remember what you said?  
  
Dante: I didn't say anything.  
  
Randal: Well, lets refresh your memory. (Pulls out a tape recorder.)  
  
Dante: What's that?  
  
Randal: You'll see...  
  
Dante: Don't you dare!  
  
(Randal pushes the button.)  
  
Recorder: (In Dante's Voice) I know we have to choose a network... ABC or UPN?   
What do you think I want the show to be like? Who wants to be a   
Millionaire or Moesha? Please, UPN can take their offer and shove   
it up my soon to be rich, hairy, white, a~  
  
(Cuts to "Technical Difficulties" screen with picture of Mooby.   
After a few moments, the shot goes back to Dante and Randal. They   
are on the floor as if shoved there. The tape recorder smashed in   
pieces on the floor.)  
  
Randal: Well I'll give you one thing. UPN's goons are a lot faster than   
ABC's were.  
  
Dante: Yeah, and they hit harder  
  
(They get up dusting themselves off.)  
  
Dante: (Sighs) So what do we do now?  
  
Randal: Start the show I suppose... You know I think it's going to be all   
right here.  
  
Dante: You think?  
  
Randal: It will. I have the feeling the show will work this time. UPN gave   
us complete control. You won't even know the show is on UPN.  
  
Dante: If you say so...  
  
(They walk off-screen. The UPN logo appears in the Bottom right of   
the screen with a POP sound effect. After a couple seconds, Randal   
comes running back.)  
  
Randal: (To camera) Watch WWF Smackdown Thursdays at 8pm/ 7 central on UPN.  
  
Dante: (Off-screen) What did you say?  
  
Randal: Uh... Nothing.  
  
(Title Sequence.) 


	2. Randal's New Work Ethic

(After Credits, fade up to Quick Stop.)  
  
Randal: (Off-screen) Clerks is filmed in front of a live studio audience.  
  
(Cut to Randal walking past RST Video and into the Quick Stop.)  
  
Randal: Goooood morning, Dante.  
  
Dante: Hey, Randal.  
  
Randal: Dante, if you would be so kind as to notice, I am perfectly on time   
this morning.  
  
Dante: (Looks at watch) Yeah... you are...  
  
Randal: (Takes off hat) And, if you would also take note, I have dressed   
appropriately for my working environment... My clothes were pressed   
too.  
  
Dante: I'm impressed, Randal. You're finally growing up and taking some   
responsibility.  
  
Randal: And now, if you'll excuse me... I have to go rent some videos to some   
movie-starved customers.  
  
(Randal starts to walk away as Dante's eyes widen and he reaches out   
to grab Randal)  
  
Dante: Hold on there a sec... What did you say?  
  
Randal: I have to go open up the video store.  
  
Dante: I have never heard those words out of your mouth before.  
  
Randal: RST doesn't run itself, Dante.  
  
Dante: That doesn't mean you've ever taken the initiative to run it.  
  
Randal: I am a proud member of the RST Video workforce, and I take pride in   
my position as a member of this reputable team.  
  
Dante: No you don't, you hate it here. Once you even tried to make it run   
itself... Remember? Your attempt to make RST the first fully automated   
video store because you wanted to stay home all weekend and watch   
the A-Team marathon.  
  
Randal: Oh yeah.  
  
(The screen becomes wavy as Randal flashes back to RST a few weeks   
ago. He is at a huge computer screen, with a plug in his hand.)  
  
Randal: Prepare, Dante. Once I plug this in, the entire video store will   
become automated, making our lives much easier.  
  
Dante: How will it make my life any easier?  
  
Randal: Well, it can... you can type... watch this, Dante, and marvel at the   
future. Here goes nothing... (Looks at the sky) I'll be home soon,   
Mr. T.  
  
(He plugs in the computer. An electronic face comes on the screen.)  
  
Computer: Hel-lo. How may I serve you?  
  
Randal: Computer, Run the video store while I go home.  
  
Dante: Randal, shouldn't you test it first?  
  
Randal: Okay! Jeeze! Computer, I am a single mother looking for a movie to   
distract my 4-year old daughter for a couple of hours while I throw   
myself at my date in a desperate attempt to self-allude myself into   
thinking I have a social life again. What do you recommend?  
  
Computer: Si-lence of the Lambs.  
  
Randal: Works fine to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, Dirk Benedict and   
George Peppard await. (He starts to leave.)  
  
Dante: Randal, that made no sense. Try it again.  
  
Randal: Fine. Computer, what is the greatest movie ever in your opinion?  
  
Computer: Bat-man  
  
Randal: It's fine...  
  
Computer: ...and Rob-in.  
  
Randal: This hideous abomination must DIE!!!!  
  
(Randal grabs a sledgehammer as the screen gets wavy again and goes   
back to Dante and Randal in the store.)  
  
Randal: Well, it deserved that... rubber nipples, Dante! A super-villain won't   
realistically take you serious if you have rubber nipples! Even if   
that villain is Swarzenegger.   
  
Dante: That wasn't my point. I was just saying that you never want to work   
the video store. What makes today different from yesterday?  
  
Randal: cyber_luv_4_u.  
  
Dante: (after a few seconds) No thanks.  
  
Randal: No, that's the name of my Internet girlfriend.  
  
Dante: You're WHAT? You've never had a girlfriend before. You've never   
even touched a computer. How did you...  
  
(Suddenly Jay and Silent Bob enter the store.)  
  
Jay: Snootch to the noonch, Clerks!  
  
Dante: Get out.  
  
Jay: Yooze guys can't throw us out. Me and Silent Bob here are paying   
customers.  
  
Dante: You two have never paid for anything once, that's why I repeatedly   
kick you out.  
  
Jay: One of these days Silent Bob and Me are going to take yooze serious   
and not shop here.  
  
Dante: Good. Now leave.  
  
Jay: I don't have to do anything yooze say. This here is America and   
that means I can stand anywherz I want. Snoogans.  
  
Dante: Fine, but whatever you do don't stand outside.  
  
Randal: No, please Jay, don't go outside...  
  
Jay: (After some moments of thinking) ...I'm going to stand outside. Come   
on Silent Bob, let's go. These feeble-minded Clerks are no match   
for us.  
  
Silent Bob: (nods.)  
  
(Jay and Silent Bob leave.)  
  
Randal: (Looks at the time.) Damn, all your skeptic views of my love life   
has made me late for work. There goes my endeavor to change my work   
ethic.  
  
Dante: You're still earlier than you usually are, maybe you can...  
  
Randal: (Puts hat back on) Nah, my moral is already crippled. It was a   
stupid idea anyways.  
  
Dante: But you said you were doing it for your girlfriend.  
  
Randal: (Grabs an XXX magazine and leans on the counter, thumbing through   
it.) Yeah, well, it's not like she knows me.  
  
Dante: What do you mean she doesn't know you?  
  
Randal: First of all she's my Internet girlfriend, not my girlfriend.  
  
Dante: The difference being...  
  
Randal: The difference being I can and have told her many things that are   
not true in a brilliant attempt to impress her.  
  
Dante: Uh-huh.  
  
Randal: And, by the time I actually meet her, she will be so madly in love   
with me that her body will ache Randal. And I can tell her the   
truth.  
  
Dante: That you're a clerk in a video store who's obsessed with making pop-  
culture references and nudie magazines.  
  
Randal: Exactly.  
  
Dante: Randal, did it ever occur to you that...  
  
(Suddenly, a big, tattooed man enters the quick stop with guns.)  
  
Man: All right everybody freeze! I'm going to make this easy, gimme all   
your money, and if it's not as much as I want, I'm going to shoot up   
the place.  
  
Dante: Uhhhhh...  
  
Randal: I know, maybe if I close my eyes, this will go away...  
  
(Closes his eyes, fade out to commercial.) 


	3. The Gunman

(Fade back in for commercial. Randal uncovers his eyes.)  
  
Randal: Damn, I thought that would work.  
  
Man: I'm giving you to the count of three... Then this place will have more   
holes than Swiss cheese.  
  
Dante: Randal, what do we do?  
  
Randal: If that's the best analogy he can come up with, I say we ignore him.  
  
Man: One...  
  
Dante: Randal.  
  
Randal: Hold on a sec.  
  
Man: Two...  
  
Dante: Randal!  
  
Randal: I'm thinking.  
  
Man: Three!  
  
Dante: Oh, man! (Ducks behind counter.)  
  
(Suddenly Jay opens the door wide and hits the Tattooed man in the head,   
sending him to the floor, unconscious.)  
  
Jay: Yooze guys may have fooled tubby earlier, but not me I ain't standing   
outside no more.  
  
Randal: Hey, I got it! We can... (Sees the guy on the floor.) Oh, nevermind.  
  
Dante: Jay, you saved us!  
  
Jay: Yeah, so what else is new? Gimme some smokes.  
  
Dante: In a minute, we have to call the police.  
  
Jay: Hey, clerk, we just asked for some smokes, we ain't holding you up or   
nothin'.  
  
Dante: No, not for you two, for the thief who was holding us up.  
  
Jay: What thief?  
  
Dante: The one you knocked out unconscious... (Looks to where the thief is, but   
he's gone) over there...?  
  
Randal: Wow, it's as if some sort of higher authority was eavesdropping on our   
conversation and felt the tension was escalating to a peak that could not be   
interrupted once reached. So they sent him in merely for the purpose of   
delaying that climax for a couple of minutes. If I only knew who held   
such a supremacy over us...  
  
(UPN logo appears in bottom right corner with pop sound again.)  
  
Dante: You watch too much X-Files.  
  
Randal: Or, maybe they've been watching us, Scully.  
  
Dante: Stop it.  
  
Jay: Dude, yooze clerks are fruits.  
  
(Jay and Silent Bob walk towards the back of the store.)  
  
Dante: So anyways, as I was saying did it ever occur to you that your girlfriend   
might be lying just as much to you as you are to her?  
  
Randal: Nope.  
  
Dante: Well, what did she tell you?  
  
Randal: Her real name is Kitty, she's on vacation here in Leonardo and is looking   
for a nice man to show her around town.  
  
Dante: And I take it you're assuming the role of that nice man?  
  
Randal: For the sake of this argument, yes.  
  
Dante: What else do you know about her?  
  
Randal: Well, she's incredibly hot and my perfect soul mate.  
  
Dante: I thought you guys never met.  
  
Randal: No, not yet; but, my inherent senses tell me she is. And my instincts are   
never wrong.  
  
Dante: Randal, you're instincts are always wrong.  
  
Randal: Name one time.  
  
Dante: I can name five, and that's just off the top of my head. Remember when   
we went camping?  
  
Randal: Yes I do...  
  
(Screen starts to become wavy again. The scene changes to the woods)  
  
Randal: (Exiting the tent) Alright, Dante, I pitched the tent and unpacked the   
food... have you gotten the firewood yet?  
  
(Cut to Dante, who is wearing a diaper and beating a cat on a piece of   
wood on the ground.)  
  
Dante: I'm the biggest idiot in the world. The woods not cutting and I haven't   
noticed that I'm using a cat instead of a cutting apparatus.  
  
Randal: Oh, Dante, I can't take you anywhere...  
  
(Screen becomes wavy again, and the scene is back to the Quick Stop.)  
  
Dante: I hate you.  
  
Randal: Hate not the truth-bringer, only the truth.  
  
Dante: That's not what happened at all... I'll show you why your instincts are   
always bad.  
  
Randal: Oh yeah? Show me...  
  
Dante: I just said I would...  
  
Randal: Oh, sorry...  
  
(Screen becomes wavy again and scene changes to the woods again.)  
  
Dante: (searching through his backpack) Hey Randal, where's the food?  
  
Randal: It's hanging on the tree limb.  
  
(He points up; the food is above him tied to a branch.)  
  
Dante: Why?  
  
Randal: Because that's how you keep it away from bears.  
  
Dante: There are no bears here... it's just the back lot of the Quick Stop.  
  
(Camera pans to the Quick Stop, which is just off screen.)  
  
Randal: Yeah well, my instincts tell me there are bears around here... Which is   
why I brought my gun... OH MY GOD A BEAR  
  
(He shoots at something off-screen. Cut back to the Quick Stop counter.)  
  
Randal: And I got me a bear, didn't I?  
  
Dante: It wasn't a bear.  
  
(Flashback to the woods. Dante and Randal approach a dying Smokey the   
Bear.)  
  
Dante: You... you killed Smokey the Bear.  
  
Randal: He was attacking us... you saw it.  
  
Dante: He was not...  
  
Randal: Well then why'd you shoot him?  
  
Dante: I... I didn't YOU DID.  
  
Randal: Denial is the first sign of guilt, Dante.  
  
Dante: But, you're holding the gun!  
  
Randal: I don't see how that will hold up in court.  
  
Smokey: (Gasping for air.) I... I just wanted... to remind you to... put out   
your... campfire... (Dies.)  
  
(Flash forward to the store.)  
  
Dante: And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, you tried to take over his job.  
  
(Flashback to a fire in the woods, with animals running all over the place.)  
  
Randal: (In a ranger's outfit.) FIRE!!! Everyone remain calm. I'll just...  
  
(He stares blank for a few moments.)  
  
Randal: RUN!!!!! EVERY ANIMAL FOR ITSELF. (He shoves down a deer as he   
runs off-screen, away from the flames.)  
  
(Flashes forward to the Quick Stop again.)  
  
Randal: That means nothing. Besides this is different, Kitty is not a man in a bear   
suit.  
  
Dante: Whatever, Randal, it's your life I suppose I can't always be there to pick   
up the pieces for you.  
  
Randal: That's right, you can't... so what time do you want to pick me up?  
  
Dante: What?  
  
Randal: Oh that's right, I forgot to tell you, we're going on a double date tonight...  
your driving. Kitty said she's got a friend who wants to have a good time   
too...  
  
Dante: How could you do this to me?  
  
Randal: Simple... I don't have a car... or a license... or a girlfriend... Sadly, I lost   
all three things in the same day, remember?  
  
Dante: I do...  
  
(Flash back to a girl in Randal's driveway)  
  
Girl: Randal, I'm leaving you... I'm taking your car and your license with   
me... and your cat.  
  
Randal: Okay. (Watching T.V.) Watch out Scooby, that the ghost's hand, not   
Shaggy's!  
  
(The girl drives away, flash forward to the Quick Stop)  
  
Dante: You know, it sounds a lot more tragic just saying you lost your car, license   
and girlfriend in the same night.  
  
Randal: I forgot I had a cat. Well, no time to concern myself about Pussy Galore   
now... I have a date to get ready for...  
  
Dante: But you haven't opened the video store yet.  
  
Randal: I've got more important things to think about now... besides I wouldn't   
talk I'm not the one who went to work and wasted his morning talking.  
  
Dante: I was talking to you... And that was because you didn't go to work today.  
  
Randal: (Starts to walk towards the back, camera follows) Man, are you into   
pointing fingers today. I'll be in the back changing for my date.  
  
Dante: You have clothes back there?  
  
Randal: Well, yeah. (Looks at the camera as he exits) Do you mind?  
  
(Camera pans to Jay and Silent Bob)  
  
Jay: I'm telling ya, Tubby... Those two clerks are in love with each other an'   
I'm not talking Han and Chewie love... I mean full on Bert and Ernie.  
  
Silent Bob: (Shakes Head)   
  
Jay: Man, I'll bet yooze $10.  
  
(Pan back to Randal)  
  
Randal: Oh, Dante, don't forget to be ready at 8 for our date.  
  
(Pans back to Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob pulls a ten out of his pocket   
and hands it to Jay. Fade out to commercial.) 


	4. The Date

(Fade back from commercial. Randal comes out of the back whistling and dressed in a  
tuxedo.)  
  
Randal: You're not going to La Fours' dressed like that are you? I want to make a good  
impression on our dates...   
  
Dante: You never said we were going to La Fours'... that's the most exclusive restaurant in  
town... how did you get a reservation?  
  
Randal: (Reading another XXX magazine) Huh? Oh I didn't... they don't care as long as I tell  
them who I am. Oh yeah, if anyone asks, my name is Leonardo Leonardo.   
  
Dante: Well I guess I could stop by Toni's Tux on the way home to shower if I close a little early  
and...  
  
Randal: A little early? You'd be closing a whole 12 hours early!  
  
Dante: What do you mean? We close at 7 today.  
  
Randal: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you Boss called.  
  
Dante: I didn't hear anything.  
  
Randal: He called on the phone in the back.  
  
Dante: We have a phone in the back?  
  
Randal: Yeah, I answered it while I was in the shower.  
  
Dante: You had a shower in the BACK?  
  
Randal: Well I'm only going on the most important date in my life, Dante. Of course I need to  
shower before I go. Man, how you ever got a girl like Caitlin without knowing that, I'll  
never know.  
  
Dante: No that's not what I meant... I mean, Oh never mind... What did the boss say?  
  
Randal: Oh yeah he said he's keeping the store open all night, so its up to you to cover the shift.  
  
Dante: What!?! Did he say why he's keeping it open?.  
  
Randal: Yeah, something about there not being enough plot. So we're getting a shipment of  
something or other tonight.   
  
Dante: Great now I can't even go on the date, let alone get a tux.  
  
Randal: I thought you didn't even want to go on this date...  
  
Dante: Oh, yeah... Why should I care? This was your big night, not mine.  
  
Randal: Oh yeah... (Puts Magazine down) Don't worry Dante, I'll take care of everything: the tux  
the shift, the shipment... everything. In five minutes we'll be in the car driving to La  
Fours'.  
  
(Screen flips to them driving to the restaurant. Dante is dressed as Dracula and driving.   
The screen reads "Five Minutes Later")  
  
Dante: Is this even a tux?  
  
Randal: Of course it is Dante, Dracula always wears a tux.  
  
Dante: (Grabs the cape.) Well did it have to come with a cape?  
  
Randal: What's Dracula without his cape, Dante?  
  
Dante: A guy in a tux...which is what I'm trying TO BE! Honestly Randal, I wonder if you even  
realize what you're doing half the time you do it.  
  
Randal: Yeah, yeah we all wonder about things Dante... like me... I wonder why you won't put on  
your fangs.  
  
Dante: Because I'm NOT A VAMPIRE!!  
  
Randal: Not with THAT attitude, you're not.  
  
Dante: (Makes like he's going to hit Randal, but calms down) Well, except for the tuxedo, you  
did take care everything... who did you get to cover my shift anyways? I at least hope  
they know what they're doing.  
  
Randal: You know Dante, that's your problem... you assume you have a job no one else can  
comprehend. You're a clerk damn it. A trained chimp could do both our jobs and be  
payed in bananas... BANANAS, DANTE!  
  
(Randal sits back in silence for a few seconds.)  
  
Dante: Randal?  
  
Randal: Hmm?  
  
Dante: You didn't pay a chimp bananas to run the store did you?  
  
Randal: Oh course not. What makes you say that?  
  
Dante: What about that time you tried to pass a monkey off as yourself?  
  
(Flashback to Dante and Randal at the Quick Stop. Dante is slumped over bored and  
Randal is covered by a newspaper so only his hat is showing.)  
  
Dante: I swear, Randal, I'm not going out with Caitlin anymore. I'm through. She can crawl on  
her hands and knees back to me and beg me with out a stitch of clothing on and I still  
wouldn't... are you listening to me?  
  
Randal: (With out moving the paper) Ooo-Ooo  
  
Dante: Randal? You ok?  
  
Randal: Ah-Ah!  
  
(Dante removes the paper to reveal a monkey with Randal's hat. Dante jumps and the  
monkey points to a banana.)  
  
Dante: No, you can't have a banana.   
  
(Monkey jumps in anger, Dante grabs the monkey and stashes it below.)  
  
Dante: Oh no hide, here comes the boss.  
  
(Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes enters.)  
  
Klink: Dante, what is all the racket?  
  
Dante: Nothing, Boss.  
  
Klink: Where did the banana's go?  
  
(Camera pans to where the bananas were and they are gone.)  
  
Dante: Uh...  
  
Monkey: OOO-OOO AHH-AHH  
  
Klink: What the devil was that?  
  
(Monkey pops out and throws brown goo at Klink.)  
  
Klink: (Shaking his fist in the air) Daaannteeee!  
  
(Flash forward to the car.)  
  
Randal: ...and it turned out it was chocolate pudding... once.  
  
Dante: Hey... I was telling this story, not you. And, Colonel Klink never owned the Quick Stop.  
  
Randal: Ah, all you ever do is complain, Dante. The monkey threw feces, the Colonel was never  
there... man, when will you grow up?  
  
Dante: I hate you.  
  
(Silence for another few seconds.)  
  
Dante: Randal?  
  
Randal: Hmm?  
  
Dante: Who did you get to run the store?  
  
Randal: What does it matter Dante? I said I took care of it.  
  
Dante: I guess it doesn't matter. I mean, as long as they know to keep Jay and Silent Bob out of  
the store, right?  
  
Randal: Uh... yeah...  
  
(Cut to Quick Stop. Jay and Silent Bob are behind the counter looking vacant towards  
the camera.)  
  
Jay: Yo, are we in charge of the store Silent Bob?  
  
Silent Bob: (nods)  
  
(Jay takes a few seconds to think about that.)  
  
Jay: Why ain't we got no costumers?  
  
Silent Bob: (shrugs)  
  
(Jay sticks his head out the door and looks outside.)  
  
Jay: Hey all yooze people, why ain't yooze in here? Yooze right there, yooze better come in here  
or I'm gonna break your mutha's skull. Hey where're yooze going?  
  
(Jay looks back to Bob.)  
  
Jay: I don't get it... (Looks at the door. The "closed" sign is facing him) Hey I got it... them guys  
think we ain't open (Turns sign so "open" is facing the inside).  
  
(Bob sighs and walks over to Jay, shakes his head, turns the sign over again, and points to  
the sign)  
  
Jay: Hey what yooze think your doing? We're 'posed to be working here, fatso...   
  
(Jay turns sign over again. Bob smacks himself in the forehead. Cut back to Randal and  
Dante getting out of the car in front of a restaurant with a neon sign reading "La Fours".)  
  
Randal: Now, don't forget... This girl means everything to me.  
  
Dante: You haven't met her.  
  
Randal: But Dante! She's fun, she's sweet, she's intelligent. Dare I say it, I love this girl...   
  
(Pauses for a second)  
  
Randal: ...as long as she's not fat.  
  
Dante: Strong words, my friend.  
  
Randal: Well, Kitty makes it easy to commit to. She's the kind of girl you want a lasting  
relationship with. Oh by the way, did I mention to call me Dr. Randal?  
  
Dante: What? I can't believe you lied to her like that.  
  
Randal: Hey, your one to talk... I'm no the one who's claiming to be the king of England.  
  
Dante: What? England doesn't have a king, it has a queen.  
  
Randal: And to think, I defended you when people called you gay.  
  
Dante: I'm not lying to any girl.  
  
Randal: Fine, ruin the evening. (sighs)   
  
Dante: Lets just get this over with.   
  
(Fades to a scene inside. Leonardo Leonardo is with his publicist, talking to the owner, La  
Fours who is behind a podium.)   
  
Leonardo: How dare you tell me I can't have table. Do you realize who I am? I am Leonardo  
Leonardo, the wealthiest man in New Jersey!  
  
(Dante and Randal enter.)  
  
La Fours: No your not, he is... (To Randal) Usual table Mr. Leonardo?  
  
Randal: Actually we're here to meet some friends of mine...  
  
La Fours: Friends?  
  
Randal: Yes, girls...  
  
La Fours: Ah, yes I remember them... they are....  
  
(Cut to a Camera swaying between a scene filled with pairs of women sitting at tables..   
Each time a new pair is revealed, a quick cut back to Dante and Randal shows thier  
reactions: ugly, fat, looks like a dog in drag, then finally, it sets on a table with one  
attractive, collage-aged redhead)  
  
La Fours: ... right there...  
  
(They look at each other and shrug as the approach they pass Leonardo)  
  
Leonardo: (Clasps his hands together) Well played...clerks.  
  
(They reach the table.)  
  
Randal: Uh... Kitty?  
  
Kitty: Randal?  
  
Randal: Uh.. Yeah..  
  
Kitty: Dr. Randal?  
  
Randal: (Whispers to Dante) She calls me that cause I'm the doctor of love.  
  
Dante: (Whispers back) No... she calls you that because you told her you were a doctor.  
  
Randal: (Back to Dante) .. of love.  
  
Kitty: And I suppose this is his highness?  
  
Dante: Uh actually it's Dante and I'm not a king... I'm uh...  
  
Kitty: You're what?  
  
Dante: I'm... (Looks at his cape, covers himself like Dracula) ...a count.  
  
Kitty: Oh... well your date had to powder her nose. She'll be here in a moment.  
  
Randal: That means she's in the bathroom.  
  
Dante: In know what that means.  
  
Kitty: So Randal, I'm so glad that I finally get meet you, though I feel like I know you already.  
Tell me, what happened to that dying boy you were taking care of?  
  
Dante: (Covers his eyes in disbelief) Oh God.  
  
Randal: Yes.. that's right Dante, he went to God. But lets not talk about that, as you can see it  
upsets Count Dante.  
  
Caitlin: (From off screen) DANTE!?!  
  
Dante: Caitlin?  
  
(Caitlin enters the scene)  
  
Caitlin: Dante is my date?  
  
Kitty: You know each other?  
  
Caitlin: This is THE Dante.. the one I dated.  
  
Kitty: The Design Major  
  
Caitlin: No  
  
Kitty: The Painter?  
  
Caitlin: No  
  
Kitty: the OTHER Painter?  
  
Caitlin: No  
  
Kitty: The.. no that was Rick Darris  
  
Dante: (getting mad) I'm THE BOYFRIEND! THE ONE SHE WAS ACTUALLY DATING!  
  
Kitty: You dated the Count of England?  
Caitlin: He's not a Count... and that's his sidekick Randal.  
  
Kitty: But he is a doctor...  
  
Caitlin: No.  
  
Randal: I am a doctor, and my diagnosis is (points to Caitlin) that lady is crazy.  
  
Kitty: I can't believe this is happening! This was supposed to be our special night.  
  
(Kitty runs outside, crying. Randal gets up and looks at Caitlin)  
  
Randal: (slow and coldly) I hope Dante dates you, so that he will never sleep with you again.  
  
(Randal chases after Kitty. Scene changes to outside Randal catches up with a crying  
Kitty.)  
  
Kitty: (sniff) Just...tell me the truth.  
  
Randal: Alright... I don't want to start the relationship on a lie..   
  
(Pauses a moment.)  
  
Randal: I'm... I'm not a Doctor.  
  
Kitty: I know that! I mean what else did you lie about?  
  
Randal: Nothing, I swear.  
  
Kitty: How can I tell you're not lying this time. How can I ever trust you?  
  
Randal: Well, I did mean it when I said that I enjoyed talking to you, and that no one ever  
understood me like you do.   
  
Kitty: Really?  
  
Randal: And that I really wanted to meet you.  
  
Kitty: Yeah?  
  
Randal: And that I think you could be the only one for me.  
  
(Silence for a moment)  
  
Kitty: No more lies?  
  
Randal: Of course not.  
  
(She smiles, then hugs Randal.)  
  
Kitty: So... what do you really do for a living?  
  
Randal: Well...  
  
(Cut to the next day at the Quick Stop. Dante and Randal are in their standard two-shot.)  
  
Dante: ...So, she left last night?  
  
Randal: (Fingering through an XXX magazine) Yup.  
  
Dante: Didn't say why?  
  
Randal: Nope.  
  
Dante: You ever going to see her again?  
  
Randal: Probably not. You and Caitlin dating again?  
  
Dante: Yup.  
  
Randal: She cheat on you yet?  
  
Dante: Only twice.  
  
Randal: Wow, she must really be giving it a shot this time.  
  
Dante: You know it's hard to see, but there is an important moral to this story...  
  
Randal: Really? After all we went though, we can actually walk away with something that can  
better our lives in the long run? Do tell, Dante...  
  
Dante: Well its just that...  
  
(Quick fade to next scene...) 


	5. Good Working Habits w/ Jay and Silent Bo...

(Screen of Jay and Bob taking a test. Bob is thinking to himself and Jay is looking on  
Bob's test and copying. The screen reads "Good Work Habits with Jay and Silent Bob."   
Cut to the curb outside the Quick Stop. The sign on the door reads closed)  
  
Girl: I got an "F" in math. My mom's gonna kill me.  
  
Boy: I got an "A" in that class.  
  
Girl: That's cause you're gay.. and a kiss-ass. But I don't know what to do... I can't go home and  
show her my report card... she expects me to get good grades. But I don't know how.  
  
(Door behind them opens and Jay enters the scene, followed by Silent Bob.)  
  
Girl: It's Jay and Silent Bob!  
  
Jay: Hey, why ain't yooze kids buying nothing?  
  
Boy: I thought the store was closed...  
  
Jay: It ain't closed (looks at th closed sign) Hey tubby, I told you we ain't closed... (Opens the  
door, looks at it confused.)   
  
Girl: Jay, Silent Bob I need to tell my mom about my report card, but I'm scared... what do I do?  
  
Jay: Hey fatso, it says closed on this side, and open on this side... this stuff is great.  
  
Bob: You're parents have to love you. But here's a trick to ensure their love lasts.  
  
(He takes the Report Card. Takes out a pen.)  
  
Bob: First, take a pen that matches the ink used in your report card. Then to ensure that you  
don't get grounded, take the "F" put a line like this and there... you now have an "A". If  
you got a "D," though, fear not. Take a line like this and you sort of get a "B," but it's  
not as good as the "A" so aim for the "F"s. This will guarantee your parent's love for a  
little while longer.  
  
Jay: Yeah, and some moms loves everyone...this one time Tubby's mom and me...  
  
(Charles Barkley enters dressed as a delivery man)  
  
Barkley: I have a delivery for the Quick Stop.  
  
Jay: Hey Barkley, weeze told yooze to get lost. We always tell yooze to get lost.  
  
Barkley: Oh no not you two again! I didn't do anything... I'm not taking your segment away, I'm  
just doing my job. I'm a delivery man.  
  
(Jay nods to Bob, Bob nods back)  
  
Jay: I got a delivery for yooze too... a special delivery of PAIN!  
  
(Bob pulls out a bat. He then proceeds to beat Barkley down with it. Close up of a  
beaten Barkley with the sound effects of owls hooting. Silence for a few seconds.)  
  
Girl: Thank's Jay, Silent Bob now my mom will love me forever.  
  
Bob: (smiles) Unless she's a psychotic mass murdering monster...  
  
Jay: ...or a slut like tubby's mom.  
  
(They all laugh together.)  
  
Jay: This heres Jay and Silent Bob sayin' for a good time call tubby's moms.  
  
(Fade to black. Run credits.) 


End file.
